Question 1

Think about what the word love means to you. Process this word, feeling or idea from a few different developmental perspectives in your life (e.g., as a teenager, as a graduate student, as a husband/wife/committed partner/single individual, etc.). Consider your reading, our discussions in this course, and recent research. Frame your response in the language of the course.


OUTLINE FOR QUESTION 1


For all sections, please be sure to include relevant and correctly formatted citations.


I. MATERIAL FROM TEXTBOOK (Organized By Chapter)

Chapter 2: Reviewing your Childhood and Adolescence
Before we might have understood what love is, developing our ideas of love in relation to self and others

Adolescence (time of developing ideas of what love is to you, what are relationships like, who am I, do I love me) (p. 45, 61-65)
-progression from one stage of life to the next
-opportunity for growth
-time for identity searching
-finding your own voice
-balancing care of self with others
-dealing with bodily changes, hormones, new desires
-first interaction with intimate relationships
-body image issues (learning to love yourself)
-who are you in relation to others
-Erikson
-Identity vs. Role Confusion (this could cause later issues regarding love of self if not explored here)
-powerful set of changes sexually, emotionally
-important need: searching for successes which leads to individuality, connectedness, self-confidence and self-respect
Parenting Styles (p. 51-52)
-Authoritative: high goals, accepting and allow room to explore, structure in environment
-Authoritarian: extremely strict, high demands, threat of physical punishment
-Permissive: few demands on the child, indulge the children’s desires
-Neglectful: not very accepting, not greatly involved, provide for basic needs
Influence of your childhood and the relationships you had with your parents and friends (p. 54)
*Could lead to
-inability to trust yourself or others
-inability to freely accept and give love
Developing Self-Concept (p. 57)
-self-concept: your awareness about yourself, what kind of person are you, values, worth, degree to which you accept yourself
-have you been able to devleop a sense of self love?
Corey, G. & Schneider Corey, M. (2010). I Never Knew I Had a Choice: Explorations in Personal Growth (9th ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Chapter 3: Adulthood and Autonomy
How we view love during our adult years, what relationships we have, do we love ourself?
(p.71)
-Maturity: you accept responsibility for the consequences of your choices rather than hold others accountable if you are not satisfied with the way your life is going
-establish a sense of unique self in the context of our connections to other people (how do we view ourselves in the relationships we have, is it healthy and positive love)
Feminist Approach to Psychological Development (p.71)
-goal is to be an authentic individual finding meaningful connections to others
-the best mental health comes from having positive relationships where there is a sense of mutual empathy
-important to fulfill the needs of both persons
Recognizing Early Learning and Decisions (p.73-79)
-important two way interaction between self and relationships with others (self-development)
-Life scripts: made up of both parental teachings and early decisions we have made as children, can be positive or negative
-these follow us into adulthood and often influence our views on many things including love
-what did your parents teach you about love or valuing yourself? What followed you into adulthood?
-our experiences then either reinforce or dispute these scripts
-being aware is important, we can then work on changing the scripts we do not believe or find unhealthy
-Injunctions: early messages we incorporate into our lives
-make decisions in response to these whether they are true or not
-become aware of these “shoulds” and “oughts” we use to operate our lives
-REBT/Ellis: we have the power to control our emotional destiny and to reword our irrational beliefs into rational ones, work on the faulty beliefs that prevent us from effectively living (beliefs you have about love, yourself and relationships with others)
Early Adulthood (p.85-89)
Provisional Adulthood
-Erikson: intimacy vs. isolation, your ability to form close relationships and having a clear sense of self
-failure to have intimacy can lead to isolation
-in order to form intimate relationships successfully we must first have a clear sense of self/identity
“As long as you have established some form of intimate relationship, you are not failing, even if you are not involved in a committed life partnership” (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 87)
-Intimacy: sharing, giving of ourselves, desire to grow with someone else, being able to relate to each other
Emerging Adulthood
-begin to examine life choices related to love
-a deeper level of intimacy then previously
-who are you as a person?
-What kind of person would you like as a partner in life?
Corey, G. & Schneider Corey, M. (2010). I Never Knew I Had a Choice: Explorations in Personal Growth (9th ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Chapter 4: Body Image
"The most important component in effecting change in your bodily image is your own perception. This is where your program of change begins." (p. 123)
-this can affect other areas of your life
-easy to get trapped in self-destructive patterns of critical self-judgment
-need a basic change in attitude and lifestyle
-How can I move towards self-acceptance? How satisfied am I with my body image? What do I want to work on?


1. Ch. 6– Characteristics of Inauthentic Love
There are many different characteristics that accompany true love but also inauthentic love. According to Corey & Corey they include:
· Needs to be in charge and make decisions for the other person.
· Has rigid and unrealistic expectations of how the other person must act to be worthy of love.
· Attaches strings to loving and loves conditionally.
· Puts little trust in the love relationship.
· Perceives personal change as a threat to the continuation of the relationship.
· Is possessive.
· Depends on the other person to fill a void in life.
· Lacks commitment.
· Is unwilling to share important thoughts and feelings about the relationship.

Corey and Corey also talk about learning to first love yourself. Without accomplishing this you can never really know true love and will display characteristics of inauthentic love like those listed above.

(Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 179).
Corey, G. & Schneider Corey, M. (2010). I Never Knew I Had a Choice: Explorations in Personal Growth (9th ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Authentic love:
~Love means that you are coming to know the person that you love, that you are aware of the things they bring to the relationship, both good and bad
~Love means that you care about the other person and that you actively demonstrate concern for the other person. (actions speak louder than words)
~Love means you have respect for the dignity of the other person. You are able to see the person you love as a complete person, someone different than yourself that may have different view points that should still be respected.
~Love means you have a responsibility towards the person you love but not a responsibility for them. This means following what was said above this that they are a different person from you and will make different choices. You must accept that person as they are.
~Love will lead to growth. Both growth in the relationship and of the two of you as individuals.
~Love means making a commitment to that person.
~Love means being vulnerable and allowing yourself to feel mattered inspite of the fear of losing you. That you are trusting that other person to hold your heart and not break it.
~Love means trusting the person you love.
~Love means trusting yourself to be important in the relationship as well.
~Love means you allow yourself to be imperfect and make mistakes but work through them to fix them.
~Love is freely given, that one person's love is not contingent on the other person's love
~Love is expansive, you encourage one another to grow and change as a couple.
~Love means that although I want you in my life I am capable of living my life without you.
~Love means identifying with the person that you love. The ability to empathize with them.
~Love means letting go of the illusion that we have extensive control of ourselves and our environment.

Corey and Corey (p.177-178).

“Love is also essential for both physical and psychological well-being. Love and intimacy are factors directly linked to our overall health.” (Corey & Corey pg. 173)

Myths of Love:
  • The Myth of Eternal Love: The idea that love will endure forever without any change is unrealistic because love changes over time. Love is complex which involves both times of joy and times of difficulty. You may experience serveral stages of love with one person (deepening your love) or a love you once shared may fade.—

  • The Myth that Love Implies Constant Closeness: Common myth where people make the assumption that if they loved each other there would be no need for any other relationships. There are times that separation from a loved one can be beneficial. During these times of separation we can renew our desire for the other person.—

  • The Myth That We Fall In and Out of Love: A common myth that people fall in love when the right person comes in our lives. A better way of thinking is that we "grow in love." People tend to fall in love with a person but this is not love. Real love has no conditions and includes compassion and kindness.

  • The Myth of Exclusiveness of Love: People tend to believe that they are capable of loving only one other person in their lives. It is ok to have other genuine relationships with others. Allowing yourself to be open to loving others also opens yourself to loving one person more deeply.

  • The Myth that True Love is Selfless: Love involves both giving and and receiving. If you do not ask or allow others to give to you, then you may become resentful towards them. Giving to others to express our love is not a bad thing, however we need to recognize our own needs and consider allowing others to return the love we have shown them.

  • The Myth that Love and Anger are Incompatible: Many people think that if you love someone then you cannot be angry with that person. This is not true and people should find ways to express their anger in a healthly manner. Unexpressed anger can do more damage to a relationship.

All myths were found in Corey & Corey (2010, p. 180-183).
Corey, G., & Corey, M. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal growth. (9th ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning.
Highlights from Chapter 6
  • How ppl express their live is influenced by cultural norms
  • Love involves commitment, but it doesn’t guarantee success.
  • Love and intimacy linked to overall health.
  • Loving ourselves means having respect for ourselves even though we are imperfect.
  • authentic love: enhances us and those we love; ingredients in a love-term love relationship: self-acceptance, acceptance by partner, appreciate of each other, effective communication, commitment, realistic expectations, common interests, collaborative decision making and ability to deal with conflict effectively; meaningful self-disclosure is essential; does not imply perfect state of happiness
  • Love means I care about the welfare of the person and I demonstrate concern.. It means having respect and dignity for other person. It means being response to each other needs. It means accepting another person’s weaknesses and bringing patience and understanding to help person transform. It involves commitment, willingness to stay with each other in times of crisis and conflict as well as calm and enjoyment. It means one is vulnerable, allowing one to matter in spite of fear of losing you. It means I want to spend time with you and share meaningful aspects of our lives. It means trusting person you love to not deliberately hurt you. It means trusting yourself to ride out the difficult times. It means I want you in my life. It means identifying with the person I love. I can empathize. It means seeing potential of person I love. It means letting go of illusion of total control of ourselves, others and environment.
  • Inauthentic love: need to be in charge and make decisions; has rigid and unrealistic expectations of how other person must act; loves conditionally; puts in little trust; perceives personal change as a threat; is possessive; depends on other person to fill void; lacks commitment; and is unwilling to share important thoughts and feelings about relationship
  • Mythic that love will endure forever w/o change is unrealistic b/c our experience with love changes over time. Feelings will evolve and deepen or fade.
  • There are times when separate from our loved one can be beneficial and renew desire for person.
  • We project image onto our partner; eventually, reality sets in and our ideal pictures disappears.
  • Opening self to loving others, you also open yourself to loving one person more deeply.
  • impaired givers: high need to take care of others yet appear to have no ability to make their own needs own creating inequality; if you cannot ask or do not ask others to give to you, then you them you are likely to become drained or resentful
  • Unexpressed feelings tend to poison a relationship and create distance; denied or unexpressed anger can do more damage to relationship; anger can be expressed respectfully and not judgmental or explosive
  • We often put barriers in the way of our attempts to give and receive love
  • We often fear loving and being loved. We are afraid that if we get too close to others, they will discover what we are really like. Our fear of life is a major impediment to loving.
  • "Self love is prerequisite to loving others. If you are not able to love yourself you will not be able to love your enemy, But when you are able to love yourself, you can love anyone." ( pg. 175).Loving yourself does not mean you have this over exaggerated vision of yourself, it means that you have respect for yourself and others even though we are imperfect.
  • Even author's describe the neccessity for self-love. "Fromm describes self-love as respect for our own integrity and uniqueness...it cannot be separated from love and understanding of others" (Corey and Corey, 2010, p.175)


Ch 7: Relationships
What we find to be the most important in relationships:
1. each person has a separate identity
2. each person is able to give and recieve honest and respectful feedback
3. each person assumes responsibility for his or her own level of happiness and refrains from blaming the other person when she or he is unhappy.
4. Both people are willing to work at keeping their relationship healthy
5. both people are willing to do things they enjoy together and have fun doing it
6. if the relationship contains a sexual component, each person is assuming responsibility fro the enjoyment of the relationship
7. the two people are equal in the relationship.
8. each person finds meaning and sources of nourishment outside of the relationship
9. each person is moving in a direction in life that is personally meaningful
10.when in a committed relationship they maintain their relationship by choice not out of obligation or convenience.
11. they are able to effectively deal with conflict in the relationship
12.They do not expect their partner to do everything for them
13. they encourage each other to fulfill their own dreams and desires.

(Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 199-200).
Corey, G. & Schneider Corey, M. (2010). I Never Knew I Had a Choice: Explorations in Personal Growth (9th ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Chapter 7: Relationships

  • John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (p. 200).
    • Intimate familiarity--know the other person really well
    • Fondness and admiration--honor and respect each other
    • Connectedness--appreciate the other's perspective
    • Shared sense of power--look for common ground
    • Shared goals--head in a direction together
    • Open communication--talk fully and honestly about convictions and core beliefs
  • There are various types of Intimacy (p. 194-195)
    • Varying types of relationships (friendships, parent-child, marital relationships)
--Forming intimate relationships is the major task of early adulthood. Being able to share significant aspects of yourself with others, understanding barriers to intimacy, and learning ways of enhancing intimacy can help you better understand the many different types of relationships in your life.
--Intimacy can be emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, etc.; enriches life
--Guideline of a meaningful relationship: persons are willing to work at keeping their relationship healthy
--Meaningful relationships tend to be dynamic; they have periods of joy and excitement as well as times of pain and distance
--Other important qualities:
--each person has an identity; able to give and receive honest and respectful feedback; each person is responsible for his/her own happiness and doesn't blame other person when s/he is unhappy; both are willing to work to keep relationship healthy; both can have fun and plat together and they enjoy doing things with each other; each person assumes responsibilities for enjoyment of sexual relationship; equality; each person finds meaning and nourishment outside the relationship; each is moving in a personally meaningful direction; maintain relationship by choice not out of duty or convenience; able to deal with conflict; they do not expect other to do for them what they are capable of doing for themselves; encourage each other to become all that they are capable of becoming rather than trying to control other person
--7 principles for making marriage work: intimate familiarity, fondness & admiration, connectedness, shared sense of power, shared goals, and open communication
--Expressing anger or dealing with situations involving conflict may be difficult b/c of what you experienced and messages you've heard about anger, conflict and confrontation.
--Usually helpful to express persistent annoyances rather than pretend they do not exist. Must be safety in your relationship to express anger. Doesn't always bring closeness, esp. when it is misdirected.
--Major challenge is learning how to deal with anger realistic and appropriately w/o being judgmental or abusive.
--Conflict can be a healthy sign of indiv. differences and an integral part of a good relationship. Confrontation is a caring act and not an attack. Resis temptation to plan next response while other person is speaking. Confront person, identify motivation. Accept responsibility for your own feelings. Don't make dogmatic statements about how other person is. Tell them how you struggle with them. Don't walk away. Forgive those who hurt you. Forgive yourself.
--Effective communication is basic for a healthy relationship. Failing to listen, being too concerned w/ getting your point across, rehearsing, defensiveness, stereotyping, telling others how they are, overreacting, using sarcasm and avoiding responsibility present barriers to communication.
--Male-female communication can be considered cross-cultural as the language we use is influenced by our gender, ethnicity, class, location and culture.
--According to Rogers, main barrier to communication is our tendency to evaluate and judge statements of others.
--LGBT relationships are no different from heterosexual relationships, though they are subjected to discrimination and oppression.
--sexual orientation: refers to gender or genders that a person is attracted to physically, emotionally, sexually and romantically
--heterosexism: bias against gay males, lesbians and bisexuals
--lesbian: woman psycologically, emotionally and sexually attracted to another woman
--gay men: attracted to other men
bisexual: attracted to men and women
--gay-affirmative therapy: helping indiv accept their sexual identity and learning strategies to deal w/ those in society who harbor prejudice
--LGBT frequently confronted w/ discrimination and harassment
--hate crimes: include assault and murder directed against victim b/c s/he is of a certain race, ethnic group, religion or sexual orientation
--homophobia: irrational fear of homosexual ppl and strong negative attitudes about homosexuality
--Fear of being alone often keeps ppl from dissolving a relationship even when there is little left.
--When communication breaks down, couples tend to have the same argument over and over again no matter what the problem is. They think divorce is obvious next step. Seek counseling first. Decide if you are both interested in maintaining your relationship. Decide what kind of life you want for yourself and with others. What do you expect from the dissolution of the relationship. Minimize impact on children.
--Ppl in emotionally or physically abusive relationships find it difficult to leave, rationalizing situation wasn't so bad, excusing partner's behavior, finding fault with self, and they don't know where to go.
--Internal dialogue keeps ppl from changing situation after end of a long-term relationship. Can lead to feelings of pain, anger and grief. Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself time. Express anger. Take responsibility for your part, but depersonalize partner's actions. Find a support network. Take care of the other aspects of your life. Journal. Make amends and get closure.

Ch. 8 Becoming the man or woman you want to be:
  1. Men’s roles
  2. What it means to trust other men
  3. How our relationship with parents and siblings affect our current relationships
  4. What it means to be a father
  5. How our bodies carry the weight of our unexpressed emotions and desires
  6. How we can decide for ourselves what it means to be a man

Gender stereotypes: widely accepted beliefs about females’ and males’ abilities, personality traits, and behavioral patterns- are common fare in American culture.

Chapter 11: Loneliness and Solitude
  1. Defeating negative self talk
    1. It may be setting you up to fail
    2. Challenge your self-defeating beliefs by substituting with constructive statements
  2. Solitude
    1. Time for yourself is fundamental to your self-care
    2. "Taking time to be alone provides the opportunity to think, plan, imagine, and dream. It allows you to listen to yourself and to become sensitive to what you are experiencing" (p. 334).
Chapter 13: Meaning and Values
  1. Basic Human values: love, compassion, and forgiveness
    1. Essential to our survival
II. PEER-REVIEWED RESOURCES
      • Maatta, K. (2010). How to learn to love -- how to guide the young to love? Georgian Electronic Scientific Journal: Education Science and Psychology, 2(17), 47-53.
      • Youths’ unreasonable expectations towards love appear as their belief that love is an answer and solution to almost all problems
      • Love is considered as the most important source for personal coping and pleasure because the young seem to expect that love offers the perfect pleasure by healing and making things easier, removing all the obstacles to happiness including their own weaknesses.
      • The higher expectations are, the greater are the disappointments
      • Falling in love can be a powerful emotional whirlwind that causes a temporary, yet fascinating metamorphosis.
      • The one in love sees the surrounding reality as ennobled, people seem friendlier
      • The partner is seen with admiration through the rose-tinted glasses
      • Self-respect of the one in love increases.
      • The crisis that occurs along the process of falling in love involves many kinds of experiences and feelings of disappointment, helplessness, and insecurity.
      • Parents give an example for the young how to nurture human relationships and the ability to love.
      • Ability to show attachment varies in youth.
      • Not easy for youth to regulate emotions.
      • Girls and boys enter the dating age with different kind of readiness: usually, girls have learned emotional regulation, expression, and interpretation better than boys have.
      • Girls sacrifice their own personality and interests in the name of love. In adulthood, this kind of love can turn into a dependency, become addiction or codependency by nature.
      • School or studying may appear irrelevant or ordinary and dull compared with the flush of falling in love.
      • Falling in love is located between the experiences of extreme pleasure and the deepest distress and disappointments. It's a learning experience.
      • Adults can help the young to foresee the crises; they can assure the young that love is not easy and problems and conflicts belong to emotional human relationships.
      • The ability to love requires that one accepts one’s own self and uniqueness.
      • Self-appreciation is enhanced by learning to enjoy one’s own success and achievements instead of clinging to others.
      • Abstract: Many young people find love and falling in love interesting and they touch the youngsters’ lives: love fascinates, confuses, and hurts; yet, the young dream of it. For a young person, falling in love can mean an extremely powerful emotional experience which enraptures and hurts. Creating and upholding human relationships is not easy and social skills develop along with life experiences. Even falling in love is a learning experience. But how could the ability of falling in love is taught? This article discusses what the parents’ and adults’ role is in supporting the young in their intimate relationships.
      • Summary: Adults must take adolescents relationships seriously, because they will learning experiences. Also, adults should teach adolescents to appreciate themselves, because in order to love someone else, you must love yourself.
      • D'Cruz, H. & Stagnitti, K. (2009). When parents love and don't love their children: some children's stories. Child & Family Social Work, 15, 216-225.
      • Through stories, the children expressed what it means when parents love and care for their children, and when they do not.
      • The appropriateness of parenting is usually defined by professionals and includes normative assumptions about ‘love’ and ‘care’ of the child and how these are expressed.
      • Research question addressed in this paper is ‘How do children aged 6 to 8 years perceive parental love and care?’
      • Use of pronouns articulated a clear relationship where each ‘child’ is a dependent of a carer/nurturer identified. Themes of children's stories: physical affection, shared special times/activities, special relationships.
      • One child's theme was dependnce; she did not identify any carers.
      • Most children could not imagine a story about a child who was not cared for.
      • One child associates an emotion (sadness) with an act of parental omission (not cooking dinner).
      • Important for professionals working with families and children to seek the views of children about their perspectives of being loved and cared for.
      • Abstract: This paper discusses a small pilot study with Anglo-Australian children aged 6 to 8 years. The children expressed through stories of what it meant for them when parents love and care for their children, and when they do not. Themes from stories of parental love and care included: relationships, shared special times, being safe and protected, and physical affection. Stories about parents who did not love or care for their children covered themes of abandonment, isolation and sadness. The study contributes an approach that can improve professional practice with children and early outcomes showing the importance of seeking children’s perspectives in decision-making about their welfare.
      • Summary: Professionals working with families and children must learn what being loved means to children, what their perspectives are. Professionals and parents/guardians can't assume they know how children feel.
      • Horan, S. M. & Booth-Butterfield, M. (2010). Investing in affection: Investigation of affection exchange theory and relational qualities. Communication Quarterly, 58(4), 394-413.
      • Affection exchange theory (AET): affectionate communication fosters long-term survival
      • Giving and receiving affection positively related to commitment and satisfaction.
      • Receiving affection strongly predicted perceptions of satisfaction, and communicating affection better predicted commitment.
      • Holding hands, kissing, and telling romantic partners you care about them are common and important affectionate messages in romantic relationships.
      • Affection is defined as ‘‘feeling warmth and fondness toward someone’’ (verbal and nonverbal)
      • Affectionate communication is a resource that fosters long-term survival through procreation.
      • Affectionate communication is associated with physiological benefits, like improved responses to stress and improved cholesterol levels
      • Parental affection, in conjunction with confirming messages, negatively influenced children’s stress and positively influenced self-esteem.
      • Absence of affection is one of four factors characteristic of a hurtful family environment.
      • Dissatisfaction with affection has been cited as a key reason why couples seek therapy and satisfaction with received affection has been linked to perceptions of love and liking in marriage.
      • Highly affectionate individuals, when controlling for affection received, report less depression, have higher self-esteem, are comfortable with closeness, have lower fears of intimacy, are happier, more satisfied in relationships.
      • Satisfaction, investment size, and quality of alternatives predict commitment. Research indicates that commitment is predicted by certain relational and communication factors, including closeness and trust.
      • Analyses indicated that both giving and receiving affection are associated with greater commitment and satisfaction.
      • Affectionate messages may indicate the temperature of a relationship.
      • Abstract: Affection exchange theory (AET; Floyd, 2001) argues that affectionate communication fosters long-term survival. AET specifically argues that part of this process occurs through the enhancement of close relational bonds. This study tests this proposition, specifically examining how affectionate messages relate to relational investment (satisfaction, commitment, quality of alternatives, and investment size). Analysis of 72 couples (N¼144; M¼35.58 years old) revealed that giving and receiving affection positively related to commitment and satisfaction. Receiving affection strongly predicted perceptions of satisfaction, and communicating affection better predicted commitment. Affection accounted for between 17% and 35% of the variance in perceptions of commitment and satisfaction.
      • Summary: Expressing/receiving affection are important to relationship commitment and satisfaction; commitment is more strongly associated with expressed affection, which is dicative of one’s affect and attachment to a partner.
      • Juric, S. (2011). Difference in relationship satisfaction and adult attachment in married and cohabitating couples. Anthropos, 43, 51-69.
      • Relationship satisfaction is determined by various factors such as economic and social security of partners, their constructive problem solving, mutual compactsreaching, parental supportive behavior and their adult attachment.
      • Marital status is an important predictor of personal psychological well-being
      • Partners learn to form emotional contact, freedom from defensiveness, freedom from fear, fl exibility, empathy and a basic sense of independence with an ability to accept dependency
      • Marriage considered more solid and long lasting than cohabitation
      • Cohabitant partners who are planning to get married do not diff er from married persons with respect to relationship quality, level of intimacy and emotional connection.
      • Adult attachment trends: secure individuals have a low relationship anxiety and avoidance; preoccupied individuals have a high anxiety level and a low avoidance level; dismissing individuals have a high avoidance level and low anxiety level; and the fearfully attached adults have high relationship anxiety and also high relationship avoidance level.
      • Men tend to be more highly avoidant than women.
      • Women were often less satisfied with relationships than men
      • The married couples proved to be more satisfied with the relationship than cohabitant.
      • Satisfaction and also secure attachment indicate high self esteem level of participants, low fear of abandonment, a good chance of vulnerability disclosure, mental well being and constructive problem solving of the participants.
      • Abstract: Relationship satisfaction is determined by various factors such as economic and social security of partners, their constructive problem solving, mutual compacts reaching, parental supportive behavior and their adult attachment. Our study has been designed to examine the differences in relationship satisfaction and adult attachment of married and cohabiting couples. Two hundred and sixty-five heterosexual couples participated in the study. Couples were asked to complete the questionnaire Experience in Close Relationship-Revised (ECRU-R) (Chris R. Fraley & Waller, 1998; Chris R. Fraley, Waller, & Brennan, 2000) and the Kansas Marital Satisfaction Scale (KMS)(Schumm, et al., 1986). As predicted results showed higher relationship satisfaction for married than cohabiting couples. Th ere was a general trend for more securely attached partners to be more satisfied in the relationship than less securely attached. Surprisingly, the connection between adult attachment and relationship satisfaction differed in relation to participants’ gender; wives were more securely attached than cohabiting women, while the difference in attachment between husbands and cohabiting men was not significant.
      • _Summary__: Securely attached couples felt more satisfaction with their relationships. Men do not feel differently when cohabiting than when married. Women are more securely attached when married than when cohabiting.
    1. A triangular theory of love.


      Sternberg, Robert J.
      Psychological Review, Vol 93(2), Apr 1986, 119-135. doi: 10.1037/0033-295X.93.2.119>>
      1. This is a link to an abstract only!
      2. Main points of this theory:
        1. Three main aspects of love:
          1. Intimacy
          2. Passion
          3. Commitment
        2. Four primary types of love:
          1. Companionate--intimacy + commitment
          2. Fatuous-- Passion + commitment
          3. Romantic-- Passion + Intimacy
          4. Consummate-- All three: Intimacy, Passion, Commitment
      3. Link to visual depiction:
        1. http://www.intrapsychictaxonomy.org/sternberg.htm
    2. Gestalt Perspective
      1. From a gestalt perspective, Accepting the polarity and duality of the other person and myself
      2. Henderson, D., & Thompson, C. (2011). Counseling Children (8th ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole, Cengage Learning.
    3. Example of a committed relationship



  1. The first sight of love: Relationship-defining memories and marital satisfaction across adulthood

Alea, N., & Vick, S. C. (2010). The first sight of love: Relationship-defining memories and marital satisfaction across adulthood. Memory, 18(7), 730-742. doi:10.1080/09658211.2010.506443.

Abstract:The current study begins the exploration of relationship-defining memories (i.e., the first time someone met their spouse) across adulthood. Men and women ranging from 20 to 85 years old (N=267; M age=47.19) completed a measure of marital satisfaction, wrote a relationship-defining memory, and answered questions about the quality of their memory (i.e., vividness, valence, emotional intensity, and rehearsal). Data were collected online. Results indicate that individuals over 70 and those younger than 30 rehearsed relationship-defining memories most often. Women in midlife also reported more vivid memories. The quality of relationship-defining memories also predicted marital satisfaction. Relationship-defining memories that were more vivid, positive, emotionally intense, and rehearsed related to higher marital satisfaction. Age and gender differences were minimal. Results are discussed in the context of the adaptive social function of autobiographical memories, such that these memories might have a role in influencing marital satisfaction across adulthood. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

Summary: This is a good article which shows the closeness of relationship-defining memories and martial satisfaction across adulthood. The article discusses who has reported these relationship-defining memories and during which stages of life the memories are more vivid. I feel this article goes along well with the some of the love myths that Corey and Corey (2010) discuss in their chapter on love. This article relates especially to the myth that we fall in and out of love. The article shows that these defining memories do not happen at "first sight" and may happen throughout our relationships as we "grow in love."


2. Choosing to love: Basic needs and significant relationships

Mickel, E., & Hall, C. (2009). Choosing to love: Basic needs and significant relationships. International Journal Of Reality Therapy, 28(2), 24-27.

Abstract:This article is a continuation of the article that appeared in the Spring 2008 issue of this Journal Need fulfillment is a process which is operationalized through behaviors. Each person must meet his or her basic needs. A significant relationship is need fulfilling and expressed through the strength of the connection between mind, body and spirit. The more balanced these components, the more reflective of need fulfillment is the relationship. In order to be loving, one must love oneself. In order to love oneself, one needs to responsibly meet one's needs. In order to develop the significant relationship, one must contribute to the other's picture of significance. The relationship if it is to succeed must be need fulfilling. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

Summary: This article discusses the needs that are met through significant relationships. The article discusses that in order for those needs to be met through a relationship, we must first fulfill our own needs. We must first love ourselves. Once we do this, we can contribute to the other person in a significant relationship and the connection between mind, body, and spirit will only become stronger.



1. Adolescent Behavior, Marital Love, and Coparenting
Baril, M. E., Crouter, A. C., & McHale, S. M. (2007). Processes linking adolescent well-being, marital love, and coparenting.Journal of Family Psychology, 21(4), 645-654. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.21.4.6

Abstract: This study examined coparenting in a sample of 177 two-parent families with firstborn adolescents by using annual home interview data from mothers, fathers, and adolescents. With a path-analytic approach and with earlier problem behaviors controlled for, coparenting conflict predicted relative increases in adolescent risky behavior over 2 years. In addition, evidence for 2 types of mediation was found. Marital love mediated the link between adolescents' early risky behavior and coparenting 1 year later, and coparenting conflict mediated the link between marital love and adolescents' risky behavior 1 year later. Linkages did not emerge for coparenting cooperation or triangulation. Interventions that are focused on the marital and coparental relationships in families with adolescents may modify trajectories of adolescent risky behavior.


Summary: What I love about this article is that the authors looked at risk-taking behavior in teens and tried to relate these behaviors to conflict in the marriage of their parents. One would think that a bad marriage and/or two people who do not agree on parenting styles would exclusively affect adolescents’ behaviors. However, the researchers also found that the decisions made by teenagers sharply affected marriage as well. Certainly this is a two-way street. As is stated by Baril, Crouter, & McHale (2007), “Results revealed some evidence of associations between coparenting and offspring’s behavior. Specifically, adolescents’ depressive symptoms predicted parents’ coparenting conflict 1 year later for both boys and girls. In addition, adolescent problem behavior predicted coparenting conflict 1 year later for parents of boys” (651).
external image pdf.png Well-Being, Marital Love & Coparenting.pdf


2. Peer reviewed text:
How compassion encompasses love:
Compassion: involves caring about another's suffering and doing something about it (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 384).
Abstract:

We read the Keltner article below in class and it asks probing questions about compassion and altruism in our world today. This article attempts to debunk claims that compassion makes humans weak-hearted and that altruism is not real but is instead driven by ulterior motives. The researchers included biological backgrounds as well as ways to cultivate compassion in our world today.

Keltner, D. (2004). The compassionate instinct. The Greater Good. 1, 6-9.

Description: http://www.wikispaces.com/i/mime/32/application/pdf.png
Description: http://www.wikispaces.com/i/mime/32/application/pdf.png
The Compassionate Instinct D Keltner.pdf

3. Hendrick, C., Hendrick, S. (1986). A Theory and Method of Love. Journal of Personality and Social Psycology, 50(2), 392-402.

Database: PsycARTICLES

Retrieved from- http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/psp/50/2/392/

Abstract
  1. Previous work by the authors and colleagues (1984) extended J. A. Lee's (1973/1976) theory of 6 basic love styles: eros (passionate love); ludus (game-playing love); storge (friendship love); pragma (logical, "shopping list" love); mania (possessive, dependent love); and agape (all-giving, selfless love). In Study 1, 807 undergraduates completed a 42-item rating questionnaire, with 7 items measuring each of the love styles. Six love style scales emerged clearly from factor analysis. Internal reliability was shown for each scale, and the scales had low intercorrelations with each other. Significant relationships were found between love attitudes and several background variables, including gender, ethnicity, previous love experiences, current love status, and self-esteem. Study 2, with 567 Ss, replicated the factor structure, factor loadings, and reliability analyses of the 1st study. The significant relationships between love attitudes and gender, previous love experiences, current love status, and self-esteem were also consistent with the results of Study 1. (30 ref) (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2010 APA, all rights reserved)

Article on how Teens View Sexual Risk Taking
Hammarlund, K., Lundgren, I., & Nyström, M. (2008). In the heat of the night, it is difficult to get it right—Teenagers’ attitudes and values towards sexual risk-taking. International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-being, 3(2), 103-112. doi:10.1080/17482620802042149

Summary:
This article discusses the ideas of how teenagers (particularly those in college) view sexual risk-taking. The piece begins by stating how STIs are increasing all over the world, but proceeds to discuss how teens “seem to seek an excuse to fend off responsibility and deny their sexual risk-taking, an excuse provided by drunkenness (p. 103). The researchers went on to complete a study by using four focus groups to investigate their opinions about sex, alcohol use, and viewing partners as objects.


-Thomas Moore, a pshycologist answers the question about the difference between loving someone, being in love and getting married. He states that love is fairly reasonable but being in love with someone leads you on this journey from an oridniary life to positive ecstasies that take you from ordinary to something new. He also talks about how you know your in love; has the relationship been tested, can you picture raising children together,appreciating the differences in each other and sharing life.
Morre,Thomas. How Do You Know It's Love: The Differences Between Love, Being In Love and Getting Married. Retrieved,April 28th 2012 from
http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Dating/Dating-Week/How-Do-You-Know-Its-Love.aspx

Being lonely, falling in love: Perspectives from attachment theory.
Shaver, Phillip; Hazan, Cindy
Journal of Social Behavior & Personality, Vol 2(2, Pt 2), 1987, 105-124.

Abstract: As suggested by R. Weiss (1973; see also PA, Vol 75:26577), attachment theory (J. Bowlby; 1969, 1973, 1980) is seen as a useful framework for integrating research findings concerning both loneliness (especially chronic or trait loneliness) and romantic love. The present paper summarizes attachment theory, examines similarities between infant–caregiver attachment and adult romantic love, and provides an overview of 3 recent studies that examined trait loneliness and romantic love from an attachment-theoretical perspective. Parallels of 3 infant–caregiver attachment styles identified by M. D. Ainsworth et al (1978)—avoidant, secure, and anxious/ambivalent—can be found among adolescent and adult lovers. These styles are related to patterns of feelings in love relationships, beliefs about romantic love, remembered relationships with parents, and current vulnerability to loneliness. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2012 APA, all rights reserved)
  • Discusses attachment theory
  • integrates findings on chronic and acute loneliness and romantic love
  • shows differences and similarities between infant/caregiver relationships as well as adult romantic love from an attachment theoretical perspective
  • reviews 3 cases on caregiver attachment styles and then reviews the effects of later adult and adolescent relationships
  • beliefs about love are also addressed
Summary: The idea of the article was to illuminate the idea that relationships and attachments that we receive as young infants play an intricate part of our life later as well. This article spefically targets how our romantic and loving relationships can begin to evolve when we are just infants, simply by the way we were raised.

Disarming Jealousy in Couples Relationships:
A Multidimensional Approach



Abstract: Jealousy is a powerful emotional force in couples’ relationships. In just seconds it can turn love into rage and tenderness into acts of control, intimidation, and evensuicide or murder. Yet it has been surprisingly neglected in the couples therapy field. In this paper we define jealousy broadly as a hub of contradictory feelings, thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions, and consider how it can range from a normative predicament to extreme obsessive manifestations. We ground jealousy in couples’ basic relational tasks and utilize the construct of the vulnerability cycle to describe processes of derailment. We offer guidelines on how to contain the couple’s escalation, disarm their ineffective strategies and power struggles, identify underlying vulnerabilities and yearnings, and distinguish meanings that belong to the present from those that belong to the past, or to other contexts. The goal is to facilitate relational and personal changes that can yield a better fit between the partners’ expectations.

  • Jealousy is a complex reaction that occurs when a real or imagined rival threatens a valued romantic relationship
  • Othello syndrome is where a jealous person is driven by fantasy
  • Jealously is described as a reciprocal pattern, confusing relational experience and can be different based on gender
  • Seesaw Phenomenon

Summary: The idea of the article is to discuss how jealousy can affect love in a relationship and how it can event prevent it from existing. The article gives tips and did further research on ways to make sure that jealousy did not damage a relationship. Some of the ways that they talked about were defining boundaries between couples, finding a balance between security and freedom, managing the fragilities of love and the vulnerability cycle.

Love Types and Subjective Well-Being: A Cross-Cultural Study
external image pdf.png LoveTypesCrossCultural.pdf
Abstract:
By: Kim, Jungsik; Hatfield, Elaine. Social Behavior & Personality: An International Journal, 2004, Vol. 32 Issue 2, p173-182, 10p, 2 Charts Abstract: This cross-cultural research explored the relationship between Hatfield & Rapson's (1993) love types and subjective well-being. College students from an individualistic culture (USA) and a collectivist culture (Korea) completed the Passionate Love Scale (PLS; Hatfield & Rapson), the Companionate Love Scale (CLS; Sternberg. 1986). the Satisfaction With Life Scale (SWLS; Pivot & Diener. 1993). and the Positive and Negative Affect Scale (PANAS: Watson, Clarke, & Tellegen, 1988). It was found that two love types are related to subjective well-being in a different way: life satisfaction was more strongly predicted by companionate love than by passionate love, whereas positive and negative emotions were more accounted for by passionate love than by companionate love, No culture and gender difference was found in this overall relationship, but gender difference was found in the extent of the association between companionate love and satisfaction with life, and between passionate love and emotional experiences, respectively. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR] (AN 12803280)

Article Summary #1

Summary: The article discusses passionate love (intense emotions, can be either ecstasy or cause anxiety or despair) vs. companionate love (less intense, causes feelings of warmth and connection). It studies how a person’s culture affects the type of love they feel for another.

Some relevant quotes from the report:
“Shaver, Wu, and Schwartz (1992) found that the Chinese equated love with sadness, jealousy, and other dark views, whereas Americans related love with happiness” (as cited in Kim & Hatfield, 2004, p. 175)

“Males love more passionately than do women, whereas females love more companionately than do males (Dion & Dion, 1993; Traupmann & Hatfield, 1981)” (as cited in Kim & Hatfield, 2004, p. 176).

“In mate selection males, who are most interested in distributing as many genes as possible, constantly look for different sex partners and tend to seek females who demonstrate characteristics suitable for that purpose: health and beauty. In comparison, females are more interested in keeping genes by rearing healthy children in a safe environment rather than distributing genes by having as many children as they can… females are less romantic and more realistic in finding males who will be good resource providers” (Kim & Hatfield, 2004, p. 176).

“Companionate love was the strongest predictor of life satisfaction whereas passionate love was the strongest predictor of positive emotions” (Kim & Hatfield, 2004, p. 179).

“The relationship between love and happiness is not linear but multidimensional. As love is not a single form so the relationship of love with other emotions takes more than one form” (Kim & Hatfield, 2004, p. 179).

Article Summary #2

Kim, J. & Hatfield, E. (2004). Love types and subjective well-being: A cross-cultural study. Social Behavior and Personality, 32 (2), 173-182.

This study looks at the two types of love identified by Hatfield and Rapson (1993): passionate love and companionate love (as cited in Kim & Hatfield, 2004). The authors wanted to determine how the two types relate to subjective well-being. Extensive research supports the notion that love is an important predictor of happiness, and subjective well-being is often used to understand the concept of happiness (Kim & Hatfield, 2004).

Passionate love is a strong emotional state that can be accompanied by either fulfillment and ecstasy or emptiness and despair, depending on whether or not it is reciprocated. Companionate love on the other hand can be described as the sharing of values, deep attachment, long-term commitment and intimacy (Kim & Hatfield, 2004). The authors make sure to include how culture and gender can play a role in the way an individual experiences love.

This study found that companionate love was the strongest predictor of subjective well-being while passionate love was the strongest predictor of positive emotions among both Koren and American students. The results suggest that the relationship between love and happiness is multidimensional, as love with other emotions takes more than one form. No significant difference was found between cultures, and an explanation may be that Koreans have experienced a rapid “Westernization” in thinking and behavior. The difference between males and females was that companionate love and satisfaction were more strongly related for females, and passionate love was more strongly correlated with positive and negative emotions for males (Kim & Hatfield, 2004).


Love: What is it, why does it matter, and how does it operate?
Summary: This article provides a literature review which covers the definition of the word love and how the definition has evolved over time, gives reasons why love matters, and asks questions about how love operates. The authors define love as: “a desire to enter, maintain, or expand a close, connected, and ongoing relationship with another person or entity” (p. 80). They state the distinction between passionate love (a state of intense longing for union with another) and companionate love (affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply entwined). Companionate love is defined by some psychologists as a combination of Sternberg’s concepts of intimacy and commitment. The researchers here suggest that love has been brought to the forefront of research because of a recent infusion of evolutionary perspective into the study of close relationships. They also point out that love is important because it can make our lives better, but also is a major source of misery and pain that can make life worse. When considering how love operates, the researchers ask whether passionate love operates as an emotion or rather as a motive. They see companionate love as being more closely linked with intimacy and bonding or relationship maintenance. They suggest further research to distinguish passionate love from companionate love and lust, and also to identify biological mechanisms that contribute to the experiential and behavioral expressions of love.

Reference:
Reis, H. T., & Aron, A. (2008). Love: What is it, why does it matter, and how does it operate? Perspectives on Psychological Science (Wiley-Blackwell), 3(1), 80-86.



Negative Childhood Experiences and Adult Love Relationships
McCarthy, G. & Maughan, B. (2010). Negative childhood experiences and adult love relationships: The role of internal working models of attachment. Attachment & Human Development, 12 (5), 445-461.

Important information
-negative parent-child relationships have been linked to struggles in adult love relationships
-we create internal working models of attachment relationships from infancy on
-whether these negative experiences affect us depends on our perspective of them
-do we accept that they happened?
-do we accept and value attachment relationships regardless?
-secure attachment was associated with higher quality relationships later

Nosko, A., Tieu, T., Lawford, H., & Pratt, M. (2011) How do I love thee? Let me count the ways: Parenting during adolescence, attachment styles, and romantic narratives in emerging adulthood. Developmental Psychology, 47 (3), 645-657.

Important Information
-search for intimacy begins in emerging adulthood
-development of intimacy is influenced by how we were raised by our parents
-for true intimacy to occur the individual needs to have developed a sense of identity
-part of human nature to develop one’s own life story
-childhood experiences play a role in the development of intimate relationships in adulthood
-parenting styles and the parent-child bond also have long lasting effects on the adult relationships
-warm and supportive parents lead to healthier relationships
-authoritative parenting has been associated with higher quality relationships
-Bowlby says we create working models of relationships with our parents and use those as guidelines for future relationships
-perceptions of romantic support systems and attachment figures may be linked to how we learn from and retell romantic experiences
-llife story perspective is important to understanding the underlying mechanisms of a healthy,secure relationship
-knowing you have a warm and caring caregiver who you can rely on lets you explore your environment and own identity, these things benefit future relationships

How do I love Thee? Let me count the ways

10.
References: Williams, L., & Hickle, K. E. (2010). “I Know What Love Means”: Qualitative Descriptions From Mexican American and White Adolescents.Journal Of Human Behavior In The Social Environment, 20(5), 581-600. doi:10.1080/10911351003673278
Abstract: A qualitative approach was used to explore the meaning of being in love for Mexican American and White adolescents. Adolescents' written descriptions were coded using inductive content analysis. Five broader love themes encompassing five additional subthemes emerged: commitment (sacrifice and time); intimacy (friendship, trust, and caring); reciprocity; unconditional acceptance; and unsure/unknown. Mexican American adolescents mentioned intimacy components, White adolescent boys mentioned commitment components, and White adolescents and girls mentioned unconditional acceptance components in their self-definitions of love more than their counterparts. Understanding the meaning of love has implications for prevention efforts targeted at reducing the health risks associated with romantic relationships in adolescence.

11.
Reference:
Puente, S., & Cohen, D. (2003). Jealousy and the Meaning (or Nonmeaning) of Violence. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 29(4), 449.
Abstract: Presents a study which examined ambivalent feelings of North Americans about jealousy and jealousy-related aggression. Importance of jealousy in domestic violence; Study on jealousy as a sign of love; Correlation between jealousy and violence.


12.
Reference: Blomquist, B. A., & Giuliano, T. A. (2012). Do You Love Me, Too? Perceptions of Responses to I Love You. North American Journal Of Psychology, 14(2), 407-418.
Abstract: The purpose of the present study was to determine how women and men react to different responses to I love you, and to investigate how likely women and men are to use these responses. To explore these effects, two studies examined the perceptions of different verbal reactions to an expression of love. Study 1 consisted of 240 adults (120 men, 120 women) who were recruited from Amazon.com's Mechanical Turk to take an online survey assessing their reactions to responses to I love you.As predicted, women preferred the "I'm just not there yet" response, whereas men preferred several responses, including both the "I'm just not there yet" response and an insincere response. However, both women and men agreed on the hurtfulness of the different responses. In Study 2, 121 college students (44 men, 76 women) participated in a survey assessing their likelihood of using the different responses from Study 1. Contrary to predictions, women and men both agreed that they would be most likely to use the "I'm just not there yet" response. Overall, these results suggest that although women and men prefer to receive different responses to an expression of love, they both report that they would most likely tell their partners exactly how they feel.

13.
Reference:
Bransen, J. (2006). Selfless Self-Love. Ethical Theory & Moral Practice, 9(1), 3-25. doi:10.1007/s10677-005-9001-7
Abstract: This paper challenges the idea that there is a natural opposition between self-interest and morality. It does by developing an account of self-love according to which we can have self-regarding reasons that (1) differ substantially from the standard conception of self-interest and that (2) share enough crucial features with moral reasons to count as morally respectable. The argument involves three steps. The first step concentrates on the idea of a moral point of view as a means to distinguish between reasons that could be morally respectable and those we have reason to distrust as not morally respectable. The second step discusses Harry Frankfurt's work on love, in order to develop an attitude of selfless love as a source of morally respectable reasons. The third step introduces the idea of an alternative of oneself to show that selfless self-love is a coherent conception of an attitude that provides one with self-regarding and self-grounded reasons that are also morally respectable.

Perceptual Differences Between Adults and Adolescents on Meeting their Need for Love
Abstract:
The purpose of the current research was to compare perceptions of adolescents and adults on the myths and realities surrounding the differences between falling in love and real love. Implications for meeting one's need for love and the ability to distinguish between romantic and real love are considered. Participants responded to a true/false survey developed from M. Scott Peck's (1978 & 1997) work on defining love. The adult group scored significantly higher than the adolescent group on the survey

Petersen, J. M., & Thompson, C. L. (2005, Fall). Perceptual differences between adults and adolescents on meeting their need for love. International Journal of Reality Therapy, 25(1), 16-21. Retrieved from pyscINFO database. (2005-15450-003)
http://ehis.ebscohost.com/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?sid=dc76b8e4-bf28-4928-a6f7-c81e52282eb4%40sessionmgr104&vid=4&hid=124

What is this thing called love? Defining the love that supports marriage and family.

Abstract: The aim of this article is to define, on the basis of theorizing and research, the love that supports marriage and the family, or the type of love that is related to high levels of relationship satisfaction, the psychological well-being of family members, and stable family relationships. Literature is reviewed exploring the emotional, cognitive, and behavioral aspects of both mature and immature love, and it is concluded that all 3 aspects of love can be either mature or immature. With regard to the emotional component, it is noted that feelings of both passion and companionship can continue throughout life. Immature love is exemplified in such constructs as limerence, love addiction, and infatuation. Given that love is socially constructed, it can be strongly affected by cultural beliefs about love and these beliefs can be either functional or dysfunctional. Particularly dysfunctional beliefs include those emphasizing that love is blind, external, and beyond the control of the lovers. Behaviors characteristic of mature and immature love are also explored. It seems that mature love may be best conceptualized as creating an environment in which both the lovers and those who depend on them can grow and develop. This type of love supports marriage and family life. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2010 APA, all rights reserved)
”Both our experience of love and our interpretation of that experience seem to be affected by the beliefs about love in the culture.” (Noller, pg. 98)

Noller, P. (1996, March). What is this thing called love? Defining the love that supports marriage and family. Personal Relationships, 3(1), 97-115. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.1996.tb00106.x

14. Love and Personal Relationships: Navigating on the Border Between the Ideal and the Real
  1. Djikic, M., Oatley, K. (2004). Love and personal relationships: Navigating on the border between the ideal and the real. Journal for the Theory of Social Behaviour, 34(2), 199-209.
  2. ABSTRACT: In the psychological literature, love is often seen as a construct inseparable from that of close, interpersonal relationships. As a result, it has been often assumed that the same motivational factors underlie both phenomena. This often leads researchers to propose that love does not exist in itself—that it is an emotion, which stems solely from a need for attachment, fulfillment of reproductive aims, or for social exchange. The popular cultural imagination, however, perceives love as a unique, mysterious, altruistic, ever-lasting bond between two people—a vision of love which is at odds with its supposed psychological origins. We propose that an ideal of love and its enactment in our culture is a result of two intertwining factors. Within the last few centuries, interpersonal relationships and love have replaced religion as islands of existential comfort. Toward this end, lovers project illusory meaning on their partners. The laborious and turbulent process of withdrawing these projections can lead to what many thinkers think “love is: bestowal of value on another, and consequent respect for, and care for that person, unmotivated by one's own needs, within the context of a real relationship.
  3. highlights:
    1. the ability to love - love derived from:
      1. attachment's three styles: secure, avoidant, ambivalent
      2. pair bonding-evolutionary: benefits for reproduction and survival
      3. exchange: costs and benefits of relationship continually assessed
    2. idealized love is an emotion; value bestowed on another
    3. a love relationship is like a contract to be "special" to and for another
      1. "The psychological benefit of having one's own existence so validated is immense" (p. 203).
    4. Often the idea of "true" love is related to God's bestowal of love on mankind
    5. "The less needy we are, the greater our ability to love" (p. 206).
  4. file




Inman-Amos, J. I., Hendrick, SS., & Hendrick, C. (1994). Love attitudes: Similarities between parents and between parents and children. Family Relations, 43, 456-461.

The authors of this article discuss the influences on attachment among young adults. Just as the parent-child relationship is a crucial influence, the way in which parents relate to each other can impact the individual’s attitudes and values about relationships. The ways that parents display and pass down attitudes is through the general family cohesiveness, agreement between parents, and parental support of the child (Inman-Amos, Hendrick, & Hendrick, 1994).

Love is a predictor of relationship satisfaction and Lee (1973) proposed six major styles of love: passionate love, game-playing love, friendship love, practical love, possessive, dependent love, and altruistic love (as cited in Inman-Amos, et al., 1994). For dating couples, passionate love and the absent of possessive and game-playing love predicted satisfaction in the relationship in a 1988 study by Hendrick (as cited in Inman-Amos, et al., 1994).

This study focused on parent-child relationship similarity among in-tact families. Results show that spouses had significant positive correlations on love styles and relationship satisfaction while young adult children and their parents did not prove to have similar styles. The authors attribute generational differences and age as possibilities for the lack of similarities between the parents and children.

Some parental variables did have an impact however, as the evaluation of the parent-child relationship by the young adults was positively associated with disclosure about romantic relationships to their parents. Additionally, their views about their parents’ marital relationship were positively correlated with their perceptions about their own relationship with their parents (Inman-Amos, Hendrick, & Hendrick, 1994).

Mansson, D. H., & Myers, S. A. (2011). An Initial Examination of College Students' Expressions of Affection Through Facebook. Southern Communication Journal, 76(2), 155-168.
AbstractExtant Facebook research focuses on how Facebook users develop and maintain relationships, while largely neglecting to identify specific communicative behaviors used to develop and maintain relationships through Facebook. Expressions of affection are, in part, used to maintain and develop relationships. Therefore, the purpose of this study was twofold. First, this study examined how college students express affection for their close friends through Facebook and identified sex differences in the amount of expressed affection and the perceived appropriateness of expressed affection through Facebook. Second, this study examined the extent to which trait affection given is related to the amount of expressed affection and the perceived appropriateness of expressed affection through Facebook. Undergraduate students identified and confirmed 29 types of expressed affection through Facebook and completed a battery of questionnaires. The results support prior affectionate communication research conducted in face-to-face contexts indicating that women are more likely to express affection and perceive expressions of affection through Facebook as more appropriate than men.
-29 expressions of affection through facebook (see table 1)
-women engage in more expressions of affection on facebook than men
-more wome find it acceptable to engage in expressions of affection on facebook
-affection through Facebook include several verbal (e.g., write that you love them on their wall), nonverbal (e.g., use emoticons such as <3 [love, I love you]), and social support (e.g., offer support when friends are going through a lot) expressions of affection. Additionally, a fourth category emerged. These behaviors
appear to be unique to the virtual context as they involve utilization of various features available to Facebook users. For instance, tagging others in pictures and sending
bumper stickers and applications are expressions of affection exclusively used on Facebook (Mansson and Myers, 2011, p.163)

Mahoney, Annette. (2009). Marriage and Family, Faith, and Spirituality Among Emerging Adults. Bowling Green State University. 1-16.

III. ADDITIONAL RESOURCES (Video clips, podcasts, lectures, etc.)

  1. Provide link to file or embed on wiki with annotations/summaries of findings/relevance
    1. Helen Fisher studies the brain in love
      • Fisher, H. (2008, February). Helen Fisher studies the brain in love. [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html

      • People live and die for love worldwide in all societies.
      • Activity in same brain regions with those who have been dumped and those who are in love
      • Brain system associated with motivation becomes more active when you can't get what you want.
      • Brain activity also associated with risk assessment and deep attachment.
      • When you've been rejected, but you feel deep attachment to individual and the willingness to risk it all to win the greatest prize.
      • Romantic love is a basic mating drive, not sexual.
      • Love is a need, an urge like hunger and thirst.
      • An addiction, good when it's going well, bad when it's not going well. Tolerance, relapse characteristic of addiction to romantic love.
      • Brain regions activated even 25 years later.
      • Reasons why you fall in love with one person over another: similarity a big factor, biological reasons currently being considered.
    2. Example of a committed relationship
      1. RENEE, M. (June 5, 2009). 60 Years Of Marriage: Laughter Is Love. Morning Edition (NPR).
        1. This couple did an interview through the Storycorps project, and talked about faithfully loving and serving each other for 60 years in spite of physical challenges.
        2. They used humor and demonstrated that they really knew each other deeply, even in this short interview.
    3. Biblical references to love
      1. “Greater love has no one than this: that a person lays down their life for the ones that they love”
        1. (John 15:13, New International Version)
      2. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
        1. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)
      3. “Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”
        1. 1 John 3:18
    4. Quotes from Mother Teresa on love:
      1. “Never let anyone come to you without coming away better and happier” (p. 74).
      2. “Intense love does not measure – it just gives” (p. 79).
      3. “We know that if we really want to love we must learn to forgive” (p. 84)
      4. “Works of love are always works of peace” (p. 91).
        1. (2007). The words and inspiration of Mother Teresa: Love. Boulder, CO: Blue Mountain Press.

  1. How to love yourself: A Positive Viewpoint

Goldman, B. (2011). [Web log message]. Retrieved from http://www.quantumjumping.com/articles/creating-reality/how-to-love-yourself/.

Summary: This is a blog type website/community. The article discusses how there is value in loving others and loving ourselves. The author, Burt Goldman attempts at creating a working definition of love. He talks about how being in the present moment is essential to loving ourselves and others. The blog also includes a youtube video of Burt Goldman discussing love.

How to Love Yourself: A Positive Viewpoint

2. WikiHow: How to Love Yourself

How to love yourself. (2012, March 28). Retrieved from http://www.wikihow.com/Love-Yourself.

Summary: This is a wikiHow page. This webpage created a guide to help learn how to fully love and respect yourself. It goes through 24 steps which might be helpful in learning how to love and respect ourselves before trying to find love from someone else. Some of the steps include: treat others with love and respect, let go of past events, keep a journal, trust yourself, practice receiving love, and do what you love.

How to Love Yourself

1.
Does the Media Distort Love?
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/25275-distorting-love
This article was an opinion from a Christian perspective of how the media has a painted an erotic and voluptuous picture of love and sex through movies, websites, social media, and music. Romance, relationships and sexuality are all areas of your life that are learned and this current generation is learning different ideas than any generation before. This article also explains the “love delusion” and how sex and love is blown out of proportion through internet and media.
“Can technology and media aid intimacy? In many ways, yes. However, they also have a polarizing effect on relationships. According to recent studies, the average American takes in about 3,500 to 5,000 marketing messages a day and spends about 41 hours per week using technology such as cell phones, TV, video games, music and the Internet. Everyone is spending vast amounts of time engaged in mediated reality and less time engaged with each other. Experts are only at the very beginning of understanding how this fast-changing electronic culture will impact human love and relationships in the long term. Because of media and technology, the ways in which people fall in love, connect within relationship and experience sexuality are different than any other generation before this one.” (Kirchner & Kirchner 2011)
Kirchner, J., & Kirchner, M. (2011, April 12). Does Media Distort Love? [article]. Retrieved May 2, 2012, from Relevant Media Group website: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/25275-distorting-love

The Road Less Traveled
  1. Peck, M. S. (1978). The road less traveled: A new psychology of love, traditional values and spiritual growth. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.
  2. "Love is too large, too deep ever to be truly understood or measured or limited within the framework of words" (p. 81).
  3. In some inadequate way, love is defined as, "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth" (p. 81).
  4. Love is intentional, an action, effortful



SANDBOX (Please Review These Resources and Consider Inclusion Above)







FROM TEXTBOOK
Chapter 6: "You cannot love someone else unless you love yourself first" (Corey and Corey, 2010, page 190) If you do not love yourself than how can you possibly understand that same feeling for someone else in your life. Love is such a complex emotion. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard people say, I do not know what he or she sees in that person and in the end it really only matter how you feel about yourself in terms of love and how the other person feel about that same individual, as well as, themselves.

Chapter 6: "To enjoy a meaningful existence, we need to care about others abd have others care about us." (Corey and Corey, 2010, pg 174) I love this quote no matter what age or type of relationship anyone is involved in. To really understand and define love you must care abouteach other. Tis includes all types of relationship not just mother to son, or partners, or best friends. A definition of love definitely starts with loving ones' self but also also about caring for and loving others.



Love Makes a Difference (expressed in many ways)
· Having someone in my life to actively care for me and in return caring for them. Realizing that we are both important and valuable people in each other’s lives.
· Want to feel loved and accepted for who I am now.
· Have connections with people but also enjoy my time alone.
· Giving to others
· Love and appreciate myself more fully, inspite of my imperfections
· Special times- share my joys, dreams, anxieties, and my uncertainties with another person
(Corey & Corey, 2010 p.173)

We really don’t fall out of love any more than we fall into it. When love ceases, one ot both partners have neglected it, and have failed to replenish and renew it. Like any other living, growing thing, love requires effort to keep it healthy. (Corey & Corey, 2010 p.181)

Chapter 6: Love – Characteristics of Inauthentic Love
If we are to truly know what authentic love is we must also be able to understand and recognize the characteristics of inauthentic love. According to Corey & Corey they include:
· Needs to be in charge and make decisions for the other person.
· Has rigid and unrealistic expectations of how the other person must act to be worthy of love.
· Attaches strings to loving and loves conditionally.
· Puts little trust in the love relationship.
· Perceives personal change as a threat to the continuation of the relationship.
· Is possessive.
· Depends on the other person to fill a void in life.
· Lacks commitment.
· Is unwilling to share important thoughts and feelings about the relationship. (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 179).
Corey, G. & Schneider Corey, M. (2010). I Never Knew I Had a Choice: Explorations in Personal Growth (9th ed.). Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.

Chapter 6: Love (Barriers to Loving and Being Loved)


We can consider these myths about love as things that we used to believe (or still believe) as we have evolved as people in relationships, students, parents, etc.
1. The Myth of Eternal Love – love will endure forever without any change (our experience of love changes over time)
2. The Myth That Love Implies Constant Closeness – many of us can tolerate only so much closeness, and at times we are likely to need some distance from others; we have a dual need for both closeness with others and for solitude
3. The Myth That We Fall In and Out of Love – we “grow in love”, which implies choice and effort
4. The Myth of the Exclusiveness of Love – you may believe you are capable of loving only one other person – that there is one right person for you; sexual exclusivity does not have to preclude other genuine relationships; one of the signs of genuine love is that it is expansive rather than exclusive
5. The Myth That True Love is Selfless – “impaired givers”; love involves both giving and receiving
6. The Myth That Love and Anger Are Incompatible – denied or unexpressed anger can do more damage to the relationship; anger can be expressed respectfully; it does not have to be judgmental or explosive
(Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 180-183)

Quotes from Gerald Corey and Marianne Schneider Corey Defining Authentic Love (2010, pp. 176-178)


· “Love means that I am coming to know the person I love.”
· “Love means that I care about the welfare of the person I love and I actively demonstrate concern for the other.”
· “Love means having respect for the dignity of the person I love.”
· “Love means having a responsibility toward the person I love but not responsibility for that person.”
· “Love can lead to growth for both the person I love and me.”
· “Love means making a commitment to the person I love.”
· “Love means that I am vulnerable.”
· “Love means trusting the person you love.”
· “Love means trusting yourself.”
· “Love allows for imperfection.”
· “Love is freely given.”
· “Love is expansive.”
· “Love means that although I want you in my life, I am capable of functioning without you.”
· “Love means identifying with the person I love.”
· “Love involves seeing the potential within the person I love.”
· “Love means letting go of the illusion of total control of ourselves, others, and our environment.”

Quotes from Gerald Corey and Marianne Schneider Corey Defining Inauthentic Love (2010, p. 179)
A person with inauthentic love:
· “Needs to be in charge and make decisions for the other person.”
· “Has rigid and unrealistic expectations of how the other person must act to be worthy of love.”
· “Attaches strings to loving and loves conditionally.”
· “Puts little trust in the love relationship.”
· “Perceives personal change as a threat to the continuation of the relationship.”
· “Is possessive.”
· “Depends on the other person to fill a void in life.”
· “Lacks commitment.”
· “Is unwilling to share important thoughts and feelings about the relationship.”

More Quotes from Gerald Corey and Marianne Schneider Corey (2010)

On the definition of love…

“There are as many definitions of love as there are people experiencing it, and how people express their love is influenced by cultural norms” (p. 172).

On the key ingredients in love…

Corey and Schneider Corey quote Crooks and Baur (2008) when they say that the key ingredients for a loving relationship are: “self-acceptance, acceptance by one’s partner, appreciation of one another, effective communication, commitment, realistic expectations, common interests, collaborative decision making, and the ability to deal with conflict effectively” (p. 176).

On love being more than just a feeling…

“The notion of ‘falling in love’ describes the emotion of love as it is experienced between two people typically feeling a strong physical and emotional attraction. Relationships require loving behavior. In other words, there has to be consistency between my saying ‘I love you’ and how I behave toward you” (p.172).

Important love concepts:

You need to learn how to love yourself before you can give and receive love with others (p. 172).

You can’t always change feelings, but you can change your behavior (p. 172).

True love has no conditions on it (p. 178).

True love means trusting your partner not to hurt you and trusting yourself (p. 178).

Love means surrendering control (p. 178).

When one partner experiences growth in the relationship, the other partner should not perceive this as a threat (p. 179).

Love changes over time. For example, passionate love may grow into a deep friendship love (p. 181).

Love does not mean you have to be with someone every waking minute of every day (p. 181).

We don’t fall in and out of love. Maintaining a love relationship takes work (p. 181).

You may love more than one person at a time, such as your significant other, friends, and family (p. 182).

Just because a partner is not jealous, does not mean that the relationship is bad (p. 182).

True love means giving to others, but also taking care of one’s own needs (p. 182).

You can get angry at someone and still love them (p. 183).

Why love is a human need…

“When we exclude physical and emotional closeness with others, we create emotional and physical deprivation” (p. 172).

Corey and Schneider Corey quote Hales (2009) when they say “There is considerable evidence that people who lack love and commitment are at high risk for a range of illnesses” (p. 173).

Why loving one’s self is not the same as being an ego-maniac…

“Loving ourselves does not mean having an exaggerated picture of our own importance or placing ourselves above others or at the center of the universe. Rather, it means having respect for ourselves even though we are imperfect. It entails caring about our lives and striving to become the people we want to be” (p. 175).

On love not being self-seeking or co-dependent…

“Love means that I care about the welfare of the other person I love and I actively demonstrate concern for the other. If my love is genuine, my caring is not a smothering of the person or a possessive clinging. On the contrary, my caring enhances both of us. If I care about you, I am concerned about your growth, and I hope you will become all that you can be” (p. 176).

“Love means having a responsibility toward the person I love but not responsibility for that person” (p. 176).”

“True love includes a sense of responsibility and accepting the other person as he or she is, with all strengths and weaknesses. If you like only the best things in a person, that is not love” (p. 85).

To love means to make one’s self vulnerable and to take a risk…

“Meaningful self-disclosure is essential to establishing loving relationships, especially revealing the deeper facets of ourselves” (p. 176).

“Love means making a commitment to the person I love. Commitment to another person involves risks, but commitment is the essential context of an intimate relationship. This means that the people involved have invested in their future together and that they are willing to stay with each other in times of crisis and conflict” (p. 177).

“Love means that I am vulnerable. Love involves allowing you to matter to me in spite of my fear of losing you” (p. 177).

Corey, G., & Schneider Corey, M. (2010). I never knew I had a choice: Explorations in personal growth. Belmont, CA: Brooks/Cole.

-Love can be conceptualized as a member of a family- such as a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, etc. This usually involves unconditional love- “From Parent Education to partnership Edcuation”- One of the primary needs that all children require from their family is unconditional love. Unconditional love is the knowledge that someone loves you with all your frailties as well as your strengths. This is the kind of love that is supposed to be given between parent and child, whether the child has a disability or not
-Unconditional love- Corey and Corey point out that a characteristic of authentic love is indicated by a heart full of unconditional love- loving with no strings attached
-Love can also be conceptualized as relational... Can be inauthentic love (used to fill a void, full of rigid expectations, and love in which personal change is seen as a threat). Or.... meaningful: (both people find meaning outside of the relationship, both directions in life are personally meaningful, and both are equal). Common myth is myth of eternal love



Chapter 6 – Love: Our Fear of Love
*The Fear of Isolation – “our fear can lead us to deny our need for love, and it can dull our capacity to care about others” (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 185).
*The Fear of Being Discovered – “some of us are afraid that if we get too close to others they will certainly discover what we are really like” (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 186).
*The Uncertainty of Love – “Love does not come with guarantees. We cannot be sure that another person will always love us, and we do lose loved ones” (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 186).


“Authentic love enhances us and those we love. Establishing and maintaining loving relationships present a number of challenges, the first of which is being clear about what we want in a long-term intimate relationship” (Corey & Corey, 2010, p.176).
Some Authentic Love Characteristics:
*Caring about the welfare of the person I love and I actively demonstrate concern
*Having respect for the dignity of the person I love
*Having responsibility towards the person but not responsibility for that person
*Leading to growth for both the person you love and yourself
*Making a commitment to the person
*Meaning that you are vulnerable
*Seeing the potential within the person you love
(Corey & Corey, 2010, p.176-178)
Nhat Hanh defines genuine love by stating, “When you first fall in love and you feel attached to the other person, that is not yet real love. Real love means loving kindness and compassion, the kind of love that does not have any conditions” (Corey & Corey, 2010, p.182).
“You cannot love someone else unless you love and take care of yourself” (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 190).

Chapter 7: Relationships
Corey & Corey lists thirteen qualities of meaningful relationship:
  1. Each person in the relationship has a separate identity.
  2. Each is able to give and receive honest and respectful feedback.
  3. Each person assumes responsibility for his or her own level of happiness and refrains from blaming the other when he or she is unhappy.
  4. Both people are willing to work at keeping their relationship healthy.
  5. Both people are able to have fun and play together; they enjoy doing things with each other.
  6. If the relationship contains a sexual component, each person assumes responsibility for the enjoyment of the relationship.
  7. The two people are equal in the relationship.
  8. Each person finds meaning and sources or nourishment outside the relationship.
  9. Each person is moving in a direction in life that is personally meaningful.
  10. If they are in a committed relationship, they maintain this relationship by choice, not out of duty, or because of convenience.
  11. They are able to deal with conflict in their relationship.
  12. They do not expect the other to do for them what they are capable of doing for themselves.
  13. They encourage each other to become all that they are capable of becoming rather than trying to control the other person. (Corey & Corey, 2010, pgs. 197-200)


Corey & Corey (2010) state, “In avoiding intimacy, we deprive ourselves of relationships that can enrich our lives” (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 194).

Self-Love pgs. 174-176
"Loving ourselves does not mean having an exaggerated picture of our own importance or placing ourselves above others or at the center of the universe. Rather, it means having respect for ourselves even though we are imperfect. It entails caring about our lives and striving to become the people we want to be....In The Art of Loving, Fromm (1956) describes self-love as respect for our own integrity and uniqueness and maintains that it cannot be separated from love and understanding of others."

Is It Worth It To Love?


Corey and Corey (2010) urge readers to challenge their beliefs about acceptance and rejection in matters of love. The reader can ask him or herself this question: "Is being rejected any worse than living a life without experiencing love?" (p. 189). They continue to say that "as adults we are not helpless; we can do something about rejection and hurt. We can choose to challenge relationships or even leave them. We can learn to survive pain, and we can realize that being rejected does not mean that we are beyond hope" (p. 189). It does not mean that we are beyond being loved, or loving others, either. No matter what you have experienced, you can make the decision to open yourself to love and the potential life that awaits you when you do this.

Compassion, a Form of Love


Compassion: involves caring about another's suffering and doing something about it (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 384).

Below is the article that we read and discussed in class on compassion.

Keltner, D. (2004). The compassionate instinct. The Greater Good. 1, 6-9.


Corey and Corey, Chapter 6
"...the behaviors of love enable the emotion of love to grow" (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 172)
"The need for love includes the need to know that our existence makes a difference to someone." (Corey & Corey, 2010, p.172)

As opposed to the notion of falling in love, "Buscaglia (1992) contends that if is more accurate to say that we "grow in love", which implies choice and effort". (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 181)

"Love involves both giving and receiving."(Corey & Corey, 2010, p.183)

"Love does not come with guarantees.....Our loved ones may die or be injured or become seriously ill, or they may simply leave us. These are painful experiences, and we cannot avoid them if we choose to love. It is part of the human dilemma that love always includes the possibility of hurt". (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 186)

Chapter 7

"The intimacy shared with another person can be emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, or any combination of these. It can be exclusive or nonexclusive, long term or brief. For example, many of the participants in the personal-growth groups we conduct develop genuine closeness with one another, even though they may not keep in touch after the termination of the group. This closeness does not come about automatically. The participants create this closeness by relating to each other in a more open way. Instead of keeping their thoughts, feelings, and reactions to themselves, they share them in ways that they typically have not done before. The cohesion comes about when people discover that they have similar feelings and when they are willing to share their pain, anger, frustrations---and their joys." (Corey & Corey, p. 194)

Through our own small group experience in the course Study of the Individual, many of us have made these types of connections with our cohorts. As the semester has progressed, we have grown as a group and as individuals. We've shared intimate details of our lives with people we did not know well in the beginning, but nevertheless have grown closer as a result.


ADDITIONAL PEER REVIEWED RESEARCH

http://www.truegoodlove.com/ : This article talks about the ancient Greeks' definition of true love, that it is hard to define and love is still in its phase of infancy. An example of love could be doing things for others, like buying lemonade at a stand run by children. This love is not the typically love we talked about in class but it still holds meaning to many, especailly those who are not in love and can not comment from that perspective.

This article from about.com is great because it gives an overview of the following theorists and theories:

- Zick Rubin: Attachment, Caring, and Intimacy
- Elaine Hatfield: Compassionate and Passionate
- John Lee: The Colors of Love (Eros, Ludos, and Storge)
- Robert Sternberg: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment
http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/theoriesoflove.htm


Cherry, Kendra. (2005). Theories of love. Retrieved from http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/theoriesoflove.htm
||
--Safe Haven & Secure base—always felt like I could go back to my parents. (Bowlby, as cited in, Hazan & Shaver, 1994).
--Self-love—“those that try very hard to be loved do not succeed because they do not realize that they have to first love themselves as others before they can receive love from other” (Moore, 1994, as cited in, Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 175).
--Authentic love—ingredients in a long-term relationship: self acceptance, acceptance by one’s partner, appreciation of one another, effective communication, commitment, realistic expectations, common interests, collaborative decision making, and the ability to deal with conflict effectively (Corey & Corey, 2010, p. 176).

Fromm, E. (1956). The art of loving. New York: Harper & Row (Colophon). (Paperback edition 1974)
Erich writes about the importance of self-love and that it is important to have a sense of respect and confidence in oneself before you can truly love another.

http://www.tc.umn.edu/~parkx032/LVindex.html Here is a website called "The Love Page" by James Park. It has a wealth of resouces and Corey & Corey recommended it on p. 191 at the end of their chapter on LOVE.

https://millersville.desire2learn.com/d2l/lms/content/viewer/main_frame.d2l?ou=313809&tId=3430797 This is the TED Talks "Helen Fisher studies the brain in love". You can also click on the Interactive Transcript to read the interview. The discussion of romantic love as an obsession or "one of the most addictive substances on Earth" can be viewed from a developmental perspective on love as we do see a lot of young love coming from a more addictive standpoint.

Love Others, Love Yourself


Hawks (2001) writes that “as adults, our need for love and acceptance is not met externally through the loving expressions and actions of others (as theorized by Maslow). Instead, it is met as we develop feelings of love for others and then express that love to them in the form of a devoted commitment to their welfare and happiness” (p. 69). We must forego creating façades and begin to interact with others on the basis of our authentic self. We must focus our attention on how we perceive others, rather than trying to understand or control how others see us. Once we do this, we learn to love others.

Accordingly, if we do not think that we are worthy of being loved, than it is hard to feel love that others express to us. We must look at our own heart and self through the eyes of love and then “base our sense of worth on the genuine value that we find there.

Hawks, S. R. (2001). Making peace with the image in the mirror: Spiritual solutions for self-esteem and inner acceptance. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.


Sternberg's Love Triangle
http://www.bsu.edu/web/dlb/T/projects/topicexamples/Triangular%20Theory%20of%20Love_files/frame.htm
This project outlines Sternberg's love triangle in an easy format


A triangular theory of love.

Sternberg, Robert J.
Psychological Review, Vol 93(2), Apr 1986, 119-135. doi: 10.1037/0033-295X.93.2.119

Abstract

  1. Presents a triangular theory of love, which deals both with the nature of love and with loves in different kinds of relationships. It is suggested that there are 3 components: (a) intimacy encompassing the feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness experienced in loving relationships; (b) passion encompassing the drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation; and (c) decision/commitment encompassing, in the short term, the decision that one loves another, and in the long term, the commitment to maintain that love. The amount of love one experiences depends on the absolute strength of the 3 components, and the kind of love one experiences depends on their strengths relative to each other. The components interact with each other and with the actions that they produce and that produce them so as to form a number of different kinds of loving experiences. The triangular theory of love subsumes other theories and can account for a number of empirical findings in the research literature, as well as for a number of experiences with which many are familiar firsthand. It is proposed that the triangular theory provides a comprehensive basis for understanding many aspects of the love that underlies close relationships. (53 ref) (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2010 APA, all rights reserved)


Abstract: Although attachment theory suggests that childhood experiences with caregivers serve as a prototype for adult love relationships, few explicit tests of this hypothesis exist in the literature. Drawing on data from a longitudinal cohort followed from birth to young adulthood, this paper examined correlates and antecedents of young adults' representations of and behavior in their current romantic relationship. Young adults who experienced a secure relationship with their primary caregiver in infancy as assessed in the Strange Situation were more likely to (a) produce coherent discourse regarding their current romantic partnership in the context of the Current Relationship Interview (CRI) and (b) have a higher quality romantic relationship as observed in standard conflict and collaboration tasks. Infant security accounted for variation in CRI security above and beyond the observed quality of participants' current romantic relationship. In contrast, the association between infant and romantic security was partially mediated by individuals' self-reports about their romantic experiences, suggesting that one plausible mechanism by which early experiences with caregivers shape young adults' representations of their attachments with romantic partners is through adults' expectations for and perceptions of love relationships. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]
Roisman, G., Collins, A., Sroufe, A., & Egeland, B. (2005). Predictors of young adults' representations of and behavior in their current romantic relationship: Prospective tests of the prototype hypothesis. Attachment & Human Development, 7(2), 105-121. doi:10.1080/14616730500134928

*Love is not a loving relationship – love, trust and commitment are all psychologically separate constructs even though they are part of Sternberg’s love triangle
*Love is not loving behavior behavior is not the essence of love
*Love is not an emotion – love seems to be reflected in multiple emotions rather than one distinct emotion (Rempel, 2005, p. 298)
*”Love is regarded as a manifestation of multiple motivational systems (e.g., the attachment system, the caregiving system, and the sexual attraction system)…love is a construct that appears in varied forms” (Rempel, 2005, p. 298).
Rempel, J.K., & Burris, C.T. (2005). Let me count the ways: An integrative theory of love and hate. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 297-313. doi: 10.1111/j.1350-4126.2005.00116.x



“Jealousy is a complex reaction that occurs when a real or imagined rival threatens a valued romantic relationship (Pines, 1998). The emotional experience, mostly anticipatory, is based on a deep fear of losing the loved person to a competitor. it is usually maintained by uncertainties: the jealous person is confused about where he or she stands in comparison to a third person, what is actually going on in the life or mind of the beloved, and whether her reactions are purely subjective, or based on an actual situation of betrayal” (Scheinkman, 2010, p. 487).



Hendrick, C., Hendrick, S. (1986). A Theory and Method of Love. Journal of Personality and Social Psycology, 50(2), 392-402.

Database: PsycARTICLES

Retrieved from- http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/psp/50/2/392/

Abstract
  1. Previous work by the authors and colleagues (1984) extended J. A. Lee's (1973/1976) theory of 6 basic love styles: eros (passionate love); ludus (game-playing love); storge (friendship love); pragma (logical, "shopping list" love); mania (possessive, dependent love); and agape (all-giving, selfless love). In Study 1, 807 undergraduates completed a 42-item rating questionnaire, with 7 items measuring each of the love styles. Six love style scales emerged clearly from factor analysis. Internal reliability was shown for each scale, and the scales had low intercorrelations with each other. Significant relationships were found between love attitudes and several background variables, including gender, ethnicity, previous love experiences, current love status, and self-esteem. Study 2, with 567 Ss, replicated the factor structure, factor loadings, and reliability analyses of the 1st study. The significant relationships between love attitudes and gender, previous love experiences, current love status, and self-esteem were also consistent with the results of Study 1. (30 ref) (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2010 APA, all rights reserved)

Article on how Teens View Sexual Risk Taking
Hammarlund, K., Lundgren, I., & Nyström, M. (2008). In the heat of the night, it is difficult to get it right—Teenagers’ attitudes and values towards sexual risk-taking. International Journal of Qualitative Studies on Health and Well-being, 3(2), 103-112. doi:10.1080/17482620802042149

Summary:
This article discusses the ideas of how teenagers (particularly those in college) view sexual risk-taking. The piece begins by stating how STIs are increasing all over the world, but proceeds to discuss how teens “seem to seek an excuse to fend off responsibility and deny their sexual risk-taking, an excuse provided by drunkenness (p. 103). The researchers went on to complete a study by using four focus groups to investigate their opinions about sex, alcohol use, and viewing partners as objects.



Love Types and Subjective Well-Being: A Cross-Cultural Study

Abstract:
By: Kim, Jungsik; Hatfield, Elaine. Social Behavior & Personality: An International Journal, 2004, Vol. 32 Issue 2, p173-182, 10p, 2 Charts Abstract: This cross-cultural research explored the relationship between Hatfield & Rapson's (1993) love types and subjective well-being. College students from an individualistic culture (USA) and a collectivist culture (Korea) completed the Passionate Love Scale (PLS; Hatfield & Rapson), the Companionate Love Scale (CLS; Sternberg. 1986). the Satisfaction With Life Scale (SWLS; Pivot & Diener. 1993). and the Positive and Negative Affect Scale (PANAS: Watson, Clarke, & Tellegen, 1988). It was found that two love types are related to subjective well-being in a different way: life satisfaction was more strongly predicted by companionate love than by passionate love, whereas positive and negative emotions were more accounted for by passionate love than by companionate love, No culture and gender difference was found in this overall relationship, but gender difference was found in the extent of the association between companionate love and satisfaction with life, and between passionate love and emotional experiences, respectively. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR] (AN 12803280)

Summary: The article discusses passionate love (intense emotions, can be either ecstasy or cause anxiety or despair) vs. companionate love (less intense, causes feelings of warmth and connection). It studies how a person’s culture affects the type of love they feel for another.

Some relevant quotes from the report:
“Shaver, Wu, and Schwartz (1992) found that the Chinese equated love with sadness, jealousy, and other dark views, whereas Americans related love with happiness” (as cited in Kim & Hatfield, 2004, p. 175)

“Males love more passionately than do women, whereas females love more companionately than do males (Dion & Dion, 1993; Traupmann & Hatfield, 1981)” (as cited in Kim & Hatfield, 2004, p. 176).

“In mate selection males, who are most interested in distributing as many genes as possible, constantly look for different sex partners and tend to seek females who demonstrate characteristics suitable for that purpose: health and beauty. In comparison, females are more interested in keeping genes by rearing healthy children in a safe environment rather than distributing genes by having as many children as they can… females are less romantic and more realistic in finding males who will be good resource providers” (Kim & Hatfield, 2004, p. 176).

“Companionate love was the strongest predictor of life satisfaction whereas passionate love was the strongest predictor of positive emotions” (Kim & Hatfield, 2004, p. 179).

“The relationship between love and happiness is not linear but multidimensional. As love is not a single form so the relationship of love with other emotions takes more than one form” (Kim & Hatfield, 2004, p. 179).



Romantic Love in Heterosexual Relationships: Women's Experiences


This is a good article regarding women's views of romantic love and how some women become co-dependent in their romantic relationships. They lose their sense of self and are essentially living for the relationship. It talks about how women often lose power in the relationship and suddenly stop talking to friends, stop pursuing interests, etc. to do what the man wants to do. Then when the man breaks up with them, some women find it empowering and realize the detrimental effect the relationship had on them and actually began to define their sense of self more and become a whole person.


ABSTRACT Narratives of romantic love pervade Western culture. However, the complexity of the lived experience
of romantic love is not reflected in many of these. Qualitative research that addresses this complexity is largely
absent in the psychological and anthropological literature. My research is an attempt to redress this oversight.
Utilizing a qualitative framework and individual in-depth, semi-structured interviews with eight heterosexual women
of European descent, it examines women’s lived experiences of romantic love. The findings are discussed in the
context of a broad range of academic theories and research on romantic love. My results indicate that romantic love
has affected women in both positive and negative ways, and that the interviewed women were far more ambivalent
about romantic love than popular culture would have us believe.Here are some quotes from the article that I found interesting:
All of the women interviewed commented on
the power imbalances they had experienced in
romantic relationships, and the difficulty of
having to constantly struggle for equality. They
thought that they had to give more on emotional
levels than their partners and several felt
uncomfortable about how easily they got seduced
into giving too much and ending up drained of
energy…(Schafer, 2008, p. 193).


Research strongly suggests that romantic love is
a modern construction, which tends to
disempower women (see Hollway, 1984 cited in
Wilkinson and Kitzinger, 1993). At first glance, it
can be perceived as having a constraining effect
on women’s lives. As previously noted, the
participants recognized their disempowerment
through their positioning in romantic narratives,
and consciously struggled for equality in an effort
to try and rebalance the dynamics of their
relationships. Interestingly, several women noted
how being in love distracted them from “changing
the world” and getting lost in self-indulgence.
Some also noted that there is a danger of
losing friends and of giving up on other interests
through focusing solely on their partner.
GS: Tell me more about other experiences you
had when you are in love
Besides losing friends and things? I think
just that there’s real emotional dependence as
well and a loss of personality. I mean you can
really just shape your whole life around someone
if you want to. It can kind of control every aspect;
do you know what I mean? I mean you can just
kind of gear all your plans or your aims towards
that. To me, that’s really just like a huge trap,
yeah.
(Schafer, 2008, p. 194)

This problem is reflected in the view held by most


of my participants that it is usually the woman


who alters her plans, gives up friendships, ceases


to be politically active and focuses solely on her


partner. However, even though power imbalances


and inequalities between men and women were


recognized as major disadvantages of romantic


relationships for women, some participants


claimed that because of their increased awareness


of these issues, they would be unlikely to allow


inegalitarian relationship practices in their future


relationships. Some felt that their negative


experiences had, ironically, lead to “a journey of


empowerment” in which they would be better able


to maintain their sense of self and clearer personal

boundaries in future intimate relationships (Schafer, 2008, p. 195).Schafer, G. (2008). Romantic love in heterosexual relationships: Women's experiences. Journal of Social Sciences, 16(3), 187-197. Retrieved from http://www.krepublishers.com/02-Journals/JSS/JSS-16-0-000-000-2008-Web/JSS-16-3-000-000-2008-Abst-Text/JSS-16-3-187-08-625-Schafer-G/JSS-16-3-187-08-625-Schafer-G-Tt.pdf





Adolescent Behavior, Marital Love, and Coparenting
Baril, M. E., Crouter, A. C., & McHale, S. M. (2007). Processes linking adolescent well-being, marital love, and coparenting. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(4), 645-654. doi:10.1037/0893-3200.21.4.6

Abstract: This study examined coparenting in a sample of 177 two-parent families with firstborn adolescents by using annual home interview data from mothers, fathers, and adolescents. With a path-analytic approach and with earlier problem behaviors controlled for, coparenting conflict predicted relative increases in adolescent risky behavior over 2 years. In addition, evidence for 2 types of mediation was found. Marital love mediated the link between adolescents' early risky behavior and coparenting 1 year later, and coparenting conflict mediated the link between marital love and adolescents' risky behavior 1 year later. Linkages did not emerge for coparenting cooperation or triangulation. Interventions that are focused on the marital and coparental relationships in families with adolescents may modify trajectories of adolescent risky behavior.


Summary: What I love about this article is that the authors looked at risk-taking behavior in teens and tried to relate these behaviors to conflict in the marriage of their parents. One would think that a bad marriage and/or two people who do not agree on parenting styles would exclusively affect adolescents’ behaviors. However, the researchers also found that the decisions made by teenagers sharply affected marriage as well. Certainly this is a two-way street. As is stated by Baril, Crouter, & McHale (2007), “Results revealed some evidence of associations between coparenting and offspring’s behavior. Specifically, adolescents’ depressive symptoms predicted parents’ coparenting conflict 1 year later for both boys and girls. In addition, adolescent problem behavior predicted coparenting conflict 1 year later for parents of boys” (651).


What is Love?
Hegi K. E. & Bergner R. M. (2010). What is Love? An empirically-based essentialist account. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(5), 620-636.

This article discusses four different types of love: romantic, parental, companionate, and altruistic.
Hegi and Bergner (2010) note that “certain essential features must be present if they are to judge that person A loves person B” (p. 620). The results indicated that romantic love has more essential components than parental, friendship, and altruistic.
Simpson, J.A., Collins, W.A., Tran, S., & Haydon, K.C. (2007). Attachment and the experience and expression of emotions in romantic relationships: A developmental perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92(2), 355-367. doi:10.1037/0022-3514.92.2.355
Jeffry A. Simpson, W. Andrew Collins, SiSi Tran, and Katherine C. Haydon
University of Minnesota
In this longitudinal study, the authors tested a developmental hypothesis derived from attachment theory
and recent empirical findings. Target participants were 78 individuals who have been studied intensively
from infancy into their mid-20s. When targets were 20–23 years old, the authors tested the way in which
interpersonal experiences at 3 pivotal points in each target’s earlier social development—infancy/early
childhood, early elementary school, and adolescence—predicted the pattern of positive versus negative
emotions experienced with his or her romantic partner. A double-mediation model revealed that targets
classified as securely attached at 12 months old were rated as more socially competent during early
elementary school by their teachers. Targets’ social competence, in turn, forecasted their having more
secure relationships with close friends at age 16, which in turn predicted more positive daily emotional
experiences in their adult romantic relationships (both self- and partner-reported) and less negative affect
in conflict resolution and collaborative tasks with their romantic partners (rated by observers). These
results are discussed in terms of attachment theory and how antecedent life experiences may indirectly
shape events in current relationships.






Choosing to love: Basic needs and significant relationships
Mickel, E., & Hall, C. (2009). Choosing to love: Basic needs and significant relationships. International Journal Of Reality Therapy, 28(2), 24-27.

Abstract:This article is a continuation of the article that appeared in the Spring 2008 issue of this Journal Need fulfillment is a process which is operationalized through behaviors. Each person must meet his or her basic needs. A significant relationship is need fulfilling and expressed through the strength of the connection between mind, body and spirit. The more balanced these components, the more reflective of need fulfillment is the relationship. In order to be loving, one must love oneself. In order to love oneself, one needs to responsibly meet one's needs. In order to develop the significant relationship, one must contribute to the other's picture of significance. The relationship if it is to succeed must be need fulfilling. [ABSTRACT FROM AUTHOR]

Summary: This article discusses the needs that are met through significant relationships. The article discusses that in order for those needs to be met through a relationship, we must first fulfill our own needs. We must first love ourselves. Once we do this, we can contribute to the other person in a significant relationship and the connection between mind, body, and spirit will only become stronger.



Passionate and Companionate Love in Courting and Young Married Couples
Sprecher, S. & Regan, P.C. (1998). Passionate and Companionate Love in Courting and Young Married Couples. Sociological Inquiry, 68, 163-185.

Falling in love is like a drug because we experience feelings of euphoria when we think about and spend time with the person we are falling in love with. We tend to experience intense emotions that can take us on an emotional roller coaster ride. However, once a relationship becomes more stable, intense emotions die down and a sense of complacency sets in as we become more secure in the relationship and the bonds become stronger. Mature, loving relationships between a couple can also take a additional dynamic as a solid friendship.

"...passionate love is best understood as "a state of intense longing for union with another"...that includes cognitive appraisals,subjective feelings (e.g., fulfillment, ecstasy, anxiety, despair), physiological processes,action tendencies, and instrumental behavior. Companionate love, on the other hand, is generally conceptualized as a less intensely emotional experience.Variously described as friendship love, true love, attachment, strong liking, and conjugal love, companionate love is defined as "the affection and tenderness we
feel for those with whom our lives are deeply entwined' (Hatfield and Rapson 1993, p. 9).

Link: http://ehis.ebscohost.com.navigator-millersville.passhe.edu/eds/detail?sid=18d46e90-8e3e-4d8d-81b1-5560d2c5c242%40sessionmgr15&vid=2&hid=6&bdata=JnNpdGU9ZWRzLWxpdmUmc2NvcGU9c2l0ZQ%3d%3d#db=sih&AN=897398


"It's more important for you to be the right person than to find the right person" - Dr. Jim Skalicky, Social and Behavioral Sciences Instructor at Citrus College

Summary - We have to love ourselves first before loving others. It's beneficial to us to experience life in a way that makes us deeper and richer individuals. Difficult experiences make us better people in the long run. Hardships can help us be more tolerant of others' behaviors. Dr. Skalicky also discusses how to approach someone when you dislike their behavior, how to express "feeling words", and how to give compliments.

Video Clip: Excerpt from Lecture - Psychology of Love
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1H90g2vOlR0
.
Manette, D. (2012). How to rebuild your spouse's trust after an affair. http://www.wikihow.com/Rebuild-Your-Spouse's-Trust-After-an-Affair
Summary: This wiki walks a person through 10 steps that can potentially help rebuild, or start to rebuild, a marriage after someone has had an affair. The steps guide a couple with dealing with the affair and its affects on the marriage and then using it as an opportunity to start the relatioship from scratch.

Ten Ways To Love the People in Your Life


Mohr, Tara. (2011). Ten Ways To Love the People In Your Life. Retrieved from http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-to-love-the-people-in-your-life/.

Summary: Top ten ways...
  1. Tell them about their brilliance
  2. Be authentic, and give others the gift of the real you and a real relationship
  3. Don't confuse "authenticity" with sharing every complaint, resentment, or petty reaction in the name of "being yourself"
  4. Listen, Listen, Listen
  5. Don't waste your time and energy thinking about how they need to be different
  6. Remember that you don't have to understand their choices to respect or accept them
  7. Don't conflate accepting with being a doormat or betraying yourself
  8. Give of yourself, but never sacrifice or compromise yourself
  9. Remember that everyone you encounter was created by divine intelligence and has an important role to play in the universe. Treat them as such.
  10. If you want to keep growing emotionally and spiritually for the rest of your life, accept this as your mantra and try to live as if it were true: Everything that I experience from another human being is either a love, or a call from love.